Does Your Pop Music Suck?: Boom Boom Poop.

Check in every Friday for guest blogger DonBito’s thrashing of your favorite pop songs. And don’t forget to email your suggestions for next week’s blog to wegotthebits@gmail.com.

“Boom Boom Pow” by the Black Eyed Peas. (This link is to the full, uncensored version of the song – not the official video.)

I know what you’re thinking, readers: A song featuring the egregious use of onomatopoeia? How bad can it be?

I fear I cannot answer that question, for each time I listen to this song, new and terrifying dimensions of suckage unfold upon my ears.  I would call this Ballad of Whomp a crime against humanity, except that it has somehow debuted at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart this week, forcing me instead to lower my opinion of humanity itself.

Make the jump, if you will, and join me as I peel the onion of fail that is Boom Boom Pow.

In my opinion, which I think you’ll find is always the only one that matters, there are two essential components to a good pop song: decent lyrics – or at least self-aware, patently ridiculous lyrics – and a kicky beat.  Conversely, failing to achieve these makes a bad pop song.

But the Black Eyed Peas have found a way to multiply these two types of possible fail ad infinitum, with their strategy of using laughable lyrics to brag about an even lamer beat, so that when you listen to Boom Boom Pow you feel trapped in some sort of Kafka-esque alternate reality in which this song that is making your ears bleed as it puts you sleep is actually something worth dancing to.

Is it me, or does the beat sound like they straight ripped it from Toejam & Earl: Panic on Funkotron? (Oh, Toejam and Earl, I’m so sorry to have mentioned you in the same blog as this song…)

And for your consideration, the lyrics can be found here; although this about sums up all you need to know:

Here we go, here we go, satellite radio
Y’all gettin’ hit with boom boom
Beats so big I’m steppin’ on leprechauns
Sh*ttin’ on y’all with the boom boom

I’m not gonna lie, it was “steppin’ on leprechauns” that initially sparked my hatred for this song.  Nothing grates on the ears like a massive stretch for a god-awful rhyme.   Another classic:

I’m on that HD flat
This beat go boom boom bap

Annnnd nothing says “I put a lot of thought into this” like randomly changing one of your nonsense words in order to make it rhyme.  Here’s a tip Will.i.am: even if you do it right, making your rap rhyme isn’t going to change the fact that it sucks wastewater.

So the verdict is in: if Boom Boom Pow plays while you’re on the dance floor, make a stinkface and go refresh your drink.  We need to band together and boycott this travesty.

And a side note to the boy in my Facebook newsfeed whose status said “Boom Boom Pow is the first hip-hop song I’ve ever liked”:

For the benefit of civilization, please find a good definition of “hip-hop” and beat yourself to death with it.  I already started working on my tan for the season, and the mere presence of your whiteness in my newsfeed has already set me back a week.

Kthxdie,

-Don Bito