/This post has been commandeered by guest blogger Don Bito/

Here’s the deal, readers: it’s 3am. I’m at work. I am personally overseeing the top secret birthday surprise of a very dear friend in T-minus 16 hours. Between now and then I have to figure out how to a) not fall asleep at my desk, b) fall asleep in my bed, and c) make my room look like a tacky mess in a fun, self-parodying, super-gay way.

But rather than officially take the day off, I figured I’d phone in a blog and charge you minutes of your life anyway. So dig in to #9 on this week’s Billboard top 100 chart. And please refrain from vomiting it back up onto your plate.

Sean Kingston’s Fire Burning

I really hope it is apparent to all of you from the get-go that any song featuring the lines

Somebody call 911

Shawty fire burning on the dance floor

does, indeed, suck. But if you need further convincing, you can check out the lyrics here. I’m a particular fan of the worst attempt at being deep since Paris Hilton’s election video “Shawty is cool like fire.”

In case you were worried that you might ever be tempted to dance to such a song, fear not. Between the cookie-cutter synth beat and generous sprinkling of “whoa-oh-ohs” you’ll undoubtedly think you’ve fallen into a tear in the time-space continuum into 1996, so I doubt dancing will be your first concern.

Not that Sean Kingston thinking he can pull off Lene Nystrøm Rasted isn’t reason enough for concern. Seriously.

In lieu of further pop-bashing on my end this fine morning (*gurgle*), I issue a challenge to you, dear readers:

Can you name one reason why Sean Kingston deserves to exist?

Seriously.

/be sure to email all of your dirty little pop secrets to wegotthebits@gmail.com and see your pick in big internet lights next Friday. Or don’t, whatever, it’s your life.//