INTRODUCING: the “Mad Foodie”

Join me in welcoming the “Mad Foodie” to phillygrrl.com. He’s a foodie. He’s mad. That pretty much sums it up.

Let me lead this off with a brief aside: I’m a pretty angry person. About a lot of things. I don’t like the vast majority of people I see, and the rest of them have to be pretty darn awesome to fall into my good graces (you’re all reading this, so you’re OK). But there’s one person, above all others, that deserves not only my hatred, but, as far as I’m concerned, the hatred of all of humanity.

That man…

…is Bobby Flay.

I love cooking. I love food. I love to eat food that I cook. I love to eat food that other people cook. Hell, sometimes I even like to clean up the dishes afterwords. Because of this love of cooking, I idolize many so-called “celebrity chefs”: Gordon Ramsay, Anthony Bourdain, and Emeril Lagasse, just to name a few. But I have found no other chef more deserving of a slow, painful death than Bobby Flay.

First of all, just look at him. That smug little grin, his little glass of Syrah (probably infused with some little spice mixture of his own creation, the little shit) and his bizarre, semi-pastoral background. Just where the FUCK is he? That doesn’t look like anywhere I’ve ever seen in nature.

Now, for those of you who are saying “So, you’re just going to rant about how much you hate Bobby Flay? Why?” I’ll answer you. Because he’s a shithead.

Bobby Flay’s modus operandi is to make cooking, and grilling especially, “more accessible,” especially for people that don’t cook or have time to cook. Busy singles, working mothers, etc. And for that, I applaud him. For everyone out there, I encourage you to cook and grill as often as you can. It’s fun, and the outcome is great food. This leads me to my second point.

When you’re teaching people to start out making food, you teach them something simple, right? What’s one of the simplest things you can think of (besides eggs or toast. If you can’t make them, there’s no help for you)? Personally, I think hot dogs. Cooking a hot dog barely requires any cooking, right? Hell, you can just throw the damn thing in the microwave and it makes a tasty lunch. However, Bobby Flay has something else to say on the matter:

Watch this video.

There really is no need to watch the whole video. It’s pretty obvious that CBS told Bobby he needed to come up with some recipe for their show, and he ignored them until the day of, giving us these three “fantastic recipes”.

THEY’RE FUCKING HOT DOGS!!!

I have several complaints about this. For one, see above. You don’t need recipes for hot dogs. They’re pretty self-explanatory. Cook hot dog, put condiments on hot dog, consume hot dog. Repeat if necessary. It doesn’t require a 5-minute video to explain. Hell, it doesn’t require a 1-minute video to explain. There were a couple of things that jumped out at me, though. Maybe you noticed them too.

First of all, sometimes we cook hot dogs in beer. My dad did it, I do it, it’s a pretty common thing. It makes them taste good. Beer = good. So why ruin it? Coriander and Ginger? Who the FUCK does that? Sure, Coriander is a basic spice (also known as Cilantro for you hipsters) often used in Texan cooking (for which Flay is so famously known). So why bother throwing it in the beer? The taste of the beer is so light on the hot dogs as it is, so why attempt to alter it? Do you guys ever throw random spices in the water you cook your spaghetti in? I don’t. You know why? Because you don’t eat the water! Then, to add insult to injury, ginger?! What in the wild blue fuck is that doing in there? Ginger is most often attributed to Asian cuisine, especially Chinese and Indian. So what’s it doing on a hot dog? No one knows. Can you explain, Bobby?

I didn’t think so.

A bit later, he explains to us that “In Texas, when you’re served brisket, you get Barbeque sauce, coleslaw and a pickle”. Thanks for that. Bobby. If that’s the case then why are you shoveling all of that shit on a god-damn hot dog? I’m sincerely hoping that most of you have tried beef brisket (it’s a classic on menus in most BBQ joints). Barbequed brisket is one of my favorite dishes, especially with a good dry rub or a peppery barbeque sauce. But when you tell me to think of the next closest thing to a nice slice of brisket, I don’t immediately jump up and shout “A fucking hot dog! That’s it!” You know why? Because they’re completely different foods. And should not be related!

The rest of the recipes are equally retarded. “Oh Bobby Flay, thank you for telling us how to put mustard and sauerkraut on to my sausages! I had no idea!” It makes me sick.

In case you skimmed over my senseless swearing, I’ll sum up: I hate Bobby Flay for these reasons:

• He’s pretentious and conceited.

• He looks kind of like a pedophile (Oh, you see it too.)

• He does his best to make foods either look way better than they are, or

• Make them outlandishly complicated, or use ridiculous combinations of ingredients.

I’m done for this week. Do us a favor, friends, and look up to a better chef than Bobby Flay. He’s a prick.